1.
“Ah, hello. I gather you’re are an internationally renowned, much published and highly qualified Doctor of Economics, and that you’ve been a Fellow at Cambridge University, a Lecturer in Economics at the University of Texas, Senior Lecturer in Economics at the University of Sydney, and Professor of Economic Theory at the University of Athens. Pleased to meet you. Me, I got a 2:1 in Modern History, unsuccessfully applied to be a trainee journalist with The Times, and then got a job at Conservative Central Office. I urge you to act responsibly and reconsider your naïve and ill-informed ideas about economics.”
“Um – ”
“Splendid. Now do run along, there’s a good chap. We have an election coming up and I’ve been told to go and get myself photographed shaking hands with some proletarian scum.”
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2.
“Righty-ho, all kitted out. Now, which way to the plebs?”
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3.
“What-ho, you fine fellows. I dare say you’re looking forward to a well-earned drink of beer. How do you fancy Arsenal United’s chances in the Soccer Cup?”
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4.
“Really? Good gracious. I had absolutely no idea. And what’s yeast again?”
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5.
“I haven’t a clue what you’re pointing at, or why.”
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6.
“Whatever this is, I literally don’t care.”
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7.
“God, I’m bored. Wonder what’s for dinner tonight. Hope it’s venison again.”
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8.
“Don’t talk to me. Don’t even look at me. Here’s how this works. I do a clever splayed hand gesture to make it look like I’m fascinated by you and your crummy building site, and then I leave. Understood?”
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9.
“Jesus, why are they all smiling? How I despise them.”
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10.
“Oh Christ, these ones are women. Stay calm. Don’t panic. Keep smiling and nodding, and eventually they’ll piss off back to their ghastly little council houses.”
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11.
“How I wish this frightful peasant would shut his face. I wonder which button blows up the BBC. The big red one, probably.”
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12.
“And so the handsome prince and the beautiful princess were married and lived happily ever after, while the woodcutter and his family scrounged off the state until their benefits were scrapped, the parasitic bastard immigrant scum.”
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13.
“Don’t you dare try to upstage my splayed hand gesture, you impertinent sod.”
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14.
“If you only knew where I’d like to shove this.”
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15.
“You really cannot imagine the extent to which I don’t give a shit about these sodding cotton reels.”
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16.
“What are we doing here, Gideon?”
“Absolutely no idea, Dave.”
“Never mind. I’ll pretend I’m pointing at a fish, and you do that splayed hand gesture of yours.”
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17.
“I say, Boris. When you’re PM, can we put an end to these ridiculous high-vis-jacket-and-hard-hat photo opportunities?”
“Crikey no, my old wiff-waff. Goes down awfully well with the piccaninnies.”
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18.
“When I was in the Bullingdon Club we used to set fire to tramps with these. Ah, happy days.”
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19.
“Ooh, talk of the devil. Funnily enough, this is the only time in my life that I’ve ever been on the far left. Far left! Geddit? Tee hee!”
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20.
“Phew. I thought that all went rather well.”
